by Kathy Eugster
May 1, 2025
Parent-child play is very important! Research has shown that children need many positive, face-to-face interactions with their parents in order for healthy growth and development. Play activities between parent and child are some of the best ways to provide these positive, face-to-face interactions.
Although playtime between parent and child sounds easy, it can become fairly complicated and both parent and child can feel frustrated with each other’s attempts at engaging in play. There have been minimal guidelines in past for parents on how to effectively play with their children. To support parents, I wrote a book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play, containing guidelines on how to play with children to support their healthy development but also so that children stay engaged and interested in interactive play together. You may want to read a bit more about the book at the link above.
However, I know for a fact that parents are very stressed for time these days. When you don’t have much (any!!) time to spend reading a book or researching parenting strategies, what can you do?
To assist you when time is tight, I have pared down the information from my book to the bare basics so that with a quick 5-minute read of this Blog, you will learn some practical skills to use immediately with your child that will support their healthy development and strengthen the parent-child relationship. Let’s make playtime fun and easy for parents too!
Two Styles of Playtime
The guidelines for parent-child play I present in Play Skills for Parents have been adapted from the play therapy and child development literature and can be used by parents to facilitate two separate styles of parent-child play that I have called:
- Child-Directed Playtime
- Parent-Directed Playtime
Each style has its own advantages and benefits and parents can switch between styles whenever they want by using the General Playtime Skills and either the Child-Directed Playtime Skills or the Parent-Directed Playtime Skills (see below).
General Playtime Skills for Both Child-Directed or Parent-Directed Playtime
Use the following five General Playtime Skills for either Child-Directed or Parent-Directed Playtime:
#1: Describing Skill: Watch your child and describe your child’s actions and play activities using neutral, objective, non-judgemental statements.
- “You’re lining up all your cars.”
- “Now the princess is going into the boat.”
#2: Feelings Identification Skill: Watch your child and when you notice a feeling coming up in your child or through the toys, identify the feeling (without asking your child a question!) by making a non-judgemental statement that identifies that feeling.
- “Looks like you’re feeling excited to play.”
- “That green dinosaur looks like he’s feeling angry with the blue dinosaur.”
#3: Paraphrasing Skill: When your child is telling you about something, respond to your child with neutral and reflective statements by paraphrasing, which is capturing the content and meaning of what your child said by saying it using slightly different words than your child used.
#4: Encouragement Skill: Instead of praising your child, empower your child by using statements that acknowledge your child’s strengths or efforts in doing something.
- “You know a lot about dogs.”
- “You are working hard on that.”
#5: Limit-Setting Skill: When your child engages in unsafe or destructive behaviors, use the Limit-Setting Skill to stop the behavior.
- Step 1: Setting the Limit: Communicate the limit clearly and concisely, for example, “The chair is not for drawing on; this paper is for drawing on.” Repeat as necessary.
- Step 2: Providing a Warning of a Consequence: If the inappropriate behavior keeps happening, give your child a warning of a specific consequence (such as the removal of a toy, ending a specific activity, or ending playtime altogether) that will happen the next time the limit is broken, for example, “No drawing on the chair. If you draw on the chair again, I will put the markers away for today.”
- Step 3: Enforcing the Consequence: If the inappropriate behavior happens again after the warning has been given, enforce the consequence immediately, for example, parent puts the markers away for the day.
Specific Playtime Skills for Child-Directed Playtime
By using the following two Child-Directed Playtime Skills, in addition to the five General Playtime Skills described above, parents can facilitate Child-Directed Playtime with their children:
#1: Independence Skill: Provide your child with opportunities to take responsibility for making their own choices and decisions without being directed by you. As long as the play remains safe and non-destructive, you will REFRAIN from advising, coaching, teaching, correcting, or directing your child in any manner even if you would do things differently. In other words, you will allow your child to lead and direct the playtime. Don’t tell your child what to do or not do!
#2: Following Directions Skill: Wait for your child to request that you join in the play, for example by asking you to draw a house, engage in imaginary play, or play a game together. Then, as long as things remain safe and non-destructive, do what your child asks you to do and play the way your child wants.
Specific Playtime Skills for Parent-Directed Playtime
By using the following two Parent-Directed Playtime Skills, in addition to the five General Playtime Skills described above, parents can facilitate Parent-Directed Playtime with their children:
#1: Engagement Skill: Stimulate your child to engage in play together by getting your child’s attention and interacting with your child in a fun and playful manner. Increase your emotional intensity. Choose interesting play activities. Pretend to be an imaginary character. Exaggerate feelings while remaining fun and playful.
#2: Regulating Skill: Calm and regulate your child’s nervous system as needed during playtime by directing your child to a calmer, quieter play activity. Make sure to regulate your own nervous system as well and use calming parent behaviors such as slower movements and a quieter voice.
That’s It!
I hope the above tips will get you going on the two different styles of playtime I outline in my book. I recommend you try each style and find out which style works best for you in various different play situations.
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child playtime, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play.
You may also want to sign up for my newsletter (see below), so you will be the first to know when new Blogs are posted, usually every month.
__________________________________________________________________
Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2025.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net