by Kathy Eugster
November 29, 2021
In this article, I would like to discuss what I call “advanced parent-child playtime.” In advanced parent-child playtime, parents may switch between facilitating either Parent-Directed Playtime or Child-Directed Playtime. In other words, you have the choice to “jump in” to a Directive Role to facilitate Parent-Directed Playtime, where you are structuring and directing the play, or to “back off” to a Nondirective Role to facilitate Child-Directed Playtime, where you are letting your child lead and direct the play. Please see my Blog, Jumping In or Backing Off? Directive and Nondirective Parent Roles in Playtime for more information.
Switching between Parent-Directed Playtime and Child-Directed Playtime requires parents have a good knowledge of each of these two styles of parent-child play. I highly recommend that you become familiar with each style of parent-child play separately before trying to switch styles in the middle of a playtime! Please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play, which provides more detailed information on both Child-Directed and Parent-Directed Play and when to switch between play styles.
Being able to switch between Parent-Directed Playtime and Child-Directed Playtime is a very useful skill for parents. Neither style of play is “better” than the other. At certain times, Child-Directed Playtime can be useful to allow your child to feel a sense of control and independence in the playtime, and at other times, Parent-Directed Playtime can be useful to support and guide your child more directly in playtime.
What Style of Play Should You Choose?
It’s helpful to consider the following very general guidelines:
Use Child-Directed Playtime when you want to:
- Support your child by providing an environment of acceptance
- Give your child opportunities to make choices and decisions and to express herself
Use Parent-Directed Playtime when you want to:
- Support your child by structuring the playtime
- Guide, stimulate or regulate your child during play
Be Sensitive to Your Child’s Responses
Being sensitive to your child during playtime is an important part of connecting with your child. Playtime is all about supporting your child to feel good about interacting with you. What sparks his interest and curiosity? What makes her laugh and look at you? By choosing a particular style of play, you can build and strengthen your connection with your child.
During playtime, it’s helpful to observe how your child responds to you and to ask yourself the following questions: Is my child
- engaging well in the play?
- accepting my directions?
- becoming resistant or oppositional?
- disengaging from the play?
- becoming hesitant or unsure?
- appearing bored?
- getting out-of-control?
Let’s look at some examples now of when you could switch from one style of play to another in order to maintain a healthy and happy playtime with your child.
Switching From Parent-Directed Playtime to Child-Directed Playtime
Example #1
You have started with Parent-Directed Playtime and have suggested that you set up a zoo for your child’s miniature animals because you know your child has been playing with them recently. You are helping him by grouping the animals and setting up fences, however, he does not like what you are doing and changes the animal groupings and the way you have set up the fences. He is not accepting your ideas and is being very directive by telling you what to do and not do!
You decide to switch to Child-Directed Playtime and allow your child to direct how the play scenario unfolds in order to give him a sense of being in control. You follow your child’s directions as long as things are safe and nondestructive. You allow him to set up the zoo in his own way, even if it is not the way you would set it up. Your child seems to like this style of play and he engages well in the play, making up an interesting and imaginative play story.
Example #2
You have started with Parent-Directed Playtime and have chosen to play the board game “Candyland” with your child. You begin the game, but after a few turns your child is starting to resist and complain about the rules.
You decide to accept your child’s resistance and switch to Child-Directed Playtime and let your child know that she can make up “new” rules for the game. You play the game the way she wants, for example, allowing her to take an extra turn or move extra spaces. Your child engages well with this play style, staying interested and focused by using her imagination to make up the rules of the game and expressing feelings of happiness and confidence.
Switching From Child-Directed Playtime to Parent-Directed Playtime
Example #3
You started with Child-Directed Playtime and your child has chosen to play with the dragons. She has set up two teams of dragons, the “good” dragons and the “bad” dragons. She holds one dragon in each hand and begins to have them fight each other. This is repeated several time, and you notice she is getting more aggressive and agitated in her movements. You are starting to feel anxious yourself because you know in the past she has started to throw the dragons aggressively.
You decide to switch to Parent-Directed Playtime to structure the playtime in order to regulate your child’s increasing emotional arousal. You take some deep breaths to regulate your own nervous system and slow your speech and movements down. You then re-direct your child to a quieter activity by saying, “Let’s make a hiding spot for the good dragons. Here’s a box we can use. Where should we put it? Do you want me to cut a door in it for them to get in? How can we prevent the bad dragons from getting in?”
Your child accepts your ideas and is able to focus on helping you make the hiding spot and does not become wildly out of control.
Example #4
You started with Child-Directed Playtime and your child has chosen to set up the furniture in the dollhouse. She has repeated this activity several times recently and you notice she puts the same furniture in the same places in each room. You get the feeling that your child may be hesitant to make any changes or add anything different to the play. Or, you may get the feeling she is bored.
You decide to switch to Parent-Directed Playtime to elaborate the play. You decide to add an outdoor play area beside the dollhouse and start setting up this area by adding a fence, play items, and maybe even a dog or cat or person. You could stimulate your child’s engagement by taking on the role of a neighbor coming over to play and acting in a surprising way, for example by getting the dog to chase the cat and the neighbor chasing the dog in a comical manner. You monitor your child’s reaction to your structuring of the play. Does she accept your additions to the play? Does she incorporate any of your themes into her play? Does she come up with new ideas for how the play unfolds? If so, you are on the right track in supporting your child to a more elaborated playtime. You may want to switch back to Child-Directed Playtime at some point to give your child a chance to use her imagination.
Example #5
You decide to start with Child-Directed Playtime to give your child an opportunity to lead and direct the playtime. However, your child struggles with initiating and engaging in a play activity with you. He seems unsure of what to do and cannot decide on an activity. He may even want you to entertain him.
You decide that your child needs a more structured approach to playtime and you switch to Parent-Directed Playtime. You choose a play activity that you think would spark your child’s interest for example, you suggest that you set up a garage for his cars. You ask him to gather up his cars. You find an old box and cut holes for the doors and windows and draw parking spaces inside the box. You ask your child where each car should be parked. You could add a gas pump out the front. You could also use the box lid for the roof and add some parking spots there as well.
You monitor your child’s responses to your ideas. Is he watching you? Following your directions? Starting to help you? Starting to do something himself? Starting to give you directions? Starting to provide ideas? Starting to tell you what is happening in the play? These are all indications that your child is engaging well with you in the play.
When your child is interested and engaging well in the playtime, this is a great time to let your child take over and lead the play. You can now “back off” and switch to Child-Directed Playtime. Ideally your child will continue to engage well in playtime. Continue with Child-Directed Playtime for as long as your child is engaging well. You also have the choice to switch to Parent-Directed Playtime if your child needs added structure at some point.
What You Can Do Next
During playtime, try switching styles of play between Child-Directed Playtime and Parent-Directed Playtime. Notice how your child responds.
- When does your child engage better with Child-Directed Playtime? With Parent-Directed Playtime?
- How easy is it for you to switch styles of play?
- Can you easily distinguish between when you are facilitating Child-Directed Playtime or Parent-Directed Playtime?
Please remember that switching between Child-Directed Playtime and Parent-Directed Playtime is an advanced form of parent-child play and you need to be able to distinguish between the two styles of play.
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child play, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play, for comprehensive guidelines. This is the book that will help make playtime easier and more enjoyable for you and your child. My book is unique in that it will provide you with a framework for engaging in parent-child play that can be applied to any play activity.
Also, you may want to subscribe to my email list (see below) to be the first to know when I post new Blogs, usually every month.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2021.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net