Kathy Eugster
July 22, 2025
While playing with your child might seem simple, there are specific play skills that can make your time together even more meaningful and beneficial. We’ll explore the benefits of learning and using intentional play skills, and how even small changes in how you play can make a big difference in your child’s development and in your relationship with them.
To make things simple, I have developed a Playtime Quick Start Series where you can learn a play skill in five minutes or less! This Blog will teach you how to use the Independence Skill, one of the nine play skills I have identified to help parents connect with their children through play.
Instructions for the Independence Skill:
The objective of the Independence Skill is to give your child opportunities for making their own choices and decisions or to come up with an idea without being directed by you, and then to accept this choice, decision, or idea as long as it is safe and non-destructive. With this skill, you are giving your child the freedom to explore and to decide on their own what to do and how to do it.
When using the Independence Skill, you will refrain from:
- Telling or suggesting to your child what to do or not do
- Advising, coaching, teaching, or correcting your child
- Asking questions to your child
- Making judgements or expressing approval or disapproval
- Directing your child in any manner
Instead of directing your child:
- Describe what your child is doing by using the Describing Skill and making Describing Statements
- Identify feelings by using the Feelings Identification Skill and making Feelings Identification Statements
- Use the Paraphrasing Skill to paraphrase what your child is saying
- Use the Encouragement Skill to acknowledge your child’s efforts and strengths
Keep the following in mind:
- You can use this skill at any time, whenever you want to give your child an opportunity to make a decision or take control, but this skill is especially useful during Child-Directed Playtime or if your child:
- Is focused on completing a task
- Is working hard trying to figure something out
- Asks you a question about a toy or activity, or about what to do or how to do something
- Seems undecided and cannot choose what to do
- Wants you to make a choice or decision
- Resist the temptation to “jump in” immediately and tell your child what to do, make suggestions or judgements, answer questions, or teach or correct your child.
- If your child continues to struggle, can’t make a decision, or is getting overly anxious or frustrated, you can then briefly and temporarily provide just enough help to support your child to continue with the play activity.
Afterwards, reflect on this activity:
- How did you feel doing this activity?
- How did your child respond when you used the Independence Skill?
- Keep track over several days of the times you used the Independence Skill, your child managed successfully on their own, and you did not need to “jump in” to give directions. Or perhaps you were able to delay giving directions to or taking over for your child.
More information on encouraging your child to develop autonomy and independence skills:
When to “Jump In” and When to “Back Off”: Finding the Right Balance in Your Child’s Playtime
Jumping In or Backing Off? Directive and Nondirective Parent Roles in Playtime
What is Parent Directiveness in Playtime?
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child playtime, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2025.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net