Kathy Eugster
July 22, 2025
While playing with your child might seem simple, there are specific play skills that can make your time together even more meaningful and beneficial. We’ll explore the benefits of learning and using intentional play skills, and how even small changes in how you play can make a big difference in your child’s development and in your relationship with them.
To make things simple, I have developed a Playtime Quick Start Series where you can learn a play skill in five minutes or less! This Blog will teach you how to use the Limit-Setting Skill, one of the nine play skills I have identified to help parents connect with their children through play.
Instructions for the Limit-Setting Skill:
The objective of using the Limit-Setting Skill is to prevent or stop inappropriate behaviors.
If your child intends to do, or is actually doing, something unsafe or destructive, use the Limit-Setting Skill to prevent or stop the inappropriate behavior. It is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that the environment stays safe. During play activities, limits for your child are generally set to prevent hurting oneself or others and for not damaging or breaking things.
The method outlined here has three steps to it and focuses on teaching your child to make the right choices:
- Step 1: Setting the Limit: When you notice your child engaging in, or about to engage in, an inappropriate behavior, communicate the limit to your child, identifying inappropriate and/or appropriate behavior, for example, “No throwing the car. It’s too hard and might hurt someone.” You can repeat Step 1 as necessary. It’s also helpful to use the supplementary steps to Step 1:
- Acknowledging your child’s feelings, “You’re feeling really angry, but the car is not for throwing” and
- Re-directing your child to a more suitable activity, “If you want to throw something, throw this soft Nerf ball or this cotton ball. Which do you choose?”
- Step 2: Warning of Consequence: If your child keeps repeating the inappropriate behavior and you decide to move on to Step 2, give your child a warning of a specific consequence (such as removal of a toy or ending the activity) that will happen the next time the limit or rule is broken, for example, “Remember I told you no throwing the car. If you throw the car again, I will put it away for today.” Step 2 is stated only once and not repeated.
- Step 3: Enforcing the Consequence: If the inappropriate behavior happens again after the warning has been given in Step 2, move on to Step 3, which is to enforce the consequence immediately, for example, “Remember I told you no throwing the car. Since you chose to throw the car again, I am going to put it away for today.” Then you would take the car and put it away.
Keep the following in mind:
- Develop a plan ahead of time so you will know what to say and do when you need to use it. Think of a particular behavior to practice the Limit-Setting Skill with, something that would be similar to what could happen during playtime with your child, for example, drawing with a marker on the wall, throwing a hard toy, or hitting you too hard during imaginary play. Then set up a plan that takes you through all three steps even though you may not use all of the steps. Write down what you would say and do, and what your child would likely say and do, for each step.
- If you need to carry out Step 2 or 3, be prepared for resistance from your child in the form of crying, screaming, yelling, and rude comments. This is normal! Stay calm yourself and ignore whining, complaints, crying, and rude language. If your child does resort to unsafe or destructive behaviors after carrying out Step 3, you will need to step in and use whatever positive discipline strategies work for you.
Afterwards, reflect on this activity:
- How did you feel doing this activity? Did you develop a plan ahead of time so you were prepared when you needed to use it?
- How did your child respond when you used the Limit-Setting Skill? Did your child become angry? Were you able to stay calm yourself?
- Keep track over several days of the times you used the Limit-Setting Skill. Is it becoming easier for you? Are you using mostly Step 1? How often do you need to use Step 2 or Step 3?
For more information on setting limits:
What to Do When Play Goes Sideways
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child playtime, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2025.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net