By Kathy Eugster
March 7, 2021
Why Identify My Child’s Feelings?
Helping your child learn about feelings (emotions) is something that every parent can do. When children have a good “feelings vocabulary,” they will be able to notice and to identify a variety of different feelings both in themselves and in others.
By observing your child and objectively communicating back to them the feeling you are noticing, you are essentially labeling the feeling your child is experiencing. Your child learns to associate a specific word to a specific feeling, thus developing a “feelings vocabulary.” Having a good feelings vocabulary will allow children to express themselves to others so that others can understand their feelings, needs, and perceptions. Being understood by others is important for healthy development, especially social skills development, in children.
By noticing and identifying in a non-judgmental manner feelings that come up in your child, you are not only providing positive attention to your child, you are also showing your child that you understand him or her. It is so very important for children to feel noticed and understood by their parents.
Objectively noticing and identifying different feelings in your child will also provide your child with an environment of acceptance from you, which is necessary for your child’s emotional health. Please see my Blog, Parental Acceptance: Helping your child develop a positive sense of self , for more information on why parental acceptance is so important for children.
How Can You Identify Your Child’s Feelings?
Watch your child, think about how they might be feeling, and make a “Feelings Identification Statement” out loud that communicates to your child the feeling that you are noticing. Make sure you are making the Feelings Identification Statement in an objective and nonjudgmental manner.
This is Very Important!
- Don’t ask a question! For example, don’t ask, “How are you feeling?” or “Are you feeling sad?”
- Don’t express your feelings or give your point of view!
When you identify your child’s feelings, you are using your empathic skills to respond empathically to your child. By responding objectively and in a nonjudgmental manner, you are also strengthening your relationship with your child.
Examples of how you can identify your child’s feelings that come up in the here-and-now:
- I’m noticing that you are looking really sad.
- You’re feeling very proud for putting that toy together.
- I can see that you look really surprised.
- It looks like you are feeling excited because you found that piece you were looking for.
- You are feeling so angry with me because I said you could not go out to play right now.
- It looks like you’re feeling very relaxed when you lie down on those pillows.
- That’s frustrating for you when you can’t get the pieces together
- Looks like you’re really feeling curious about that toy.
Examples of how you can identify feelings that come up in your child’s imaginary play:
- I can see that the kitten is feeling scared of that big lion.
- I can see the princess is going into the cave. Looks like she is feeling very nervous.
- That dinosaur looks like he is feeling very confused.
- (Child dressed as a pirate and holds a sword up in the air) Wow, this pirate looks like he feels very brave.
- (Child is pretending to be a crying baby) Oh, baby is feeling very lonely.
Examples of how you can identify your child’s feelings when your child is telling you about something:
- Sounds like you felt very happy when you won that game.
- Oh, so you felt disappointed when the toy broke.
- So when Jamie pushed you, you felt very mad.
- So what you’re saying is you felt frustrated when your tower fell apart.
- Sounds like you were really feeling worried about that.
- Wow, you were so excited when you won the prize!
Examples of how you can also respond empathically by acknowledging your child’s preferences, desires, wishes, perceptions, etc.
- You really wish that we could stay longer at the park.
- You don’t like it when you lose your favorite crayon.
- I can see you really like playing with your cats.
- You really don’t want to go home now
- You want to play with your dolls now.
Here’s a hint for you:
Include the word “you” in your Feelings Identification Statement.
Please remember this point too:
You can still respond empathically to your child and identify his or her feelings and preferences even when your child is asking you for something and you cannot give what is being asked for or if you notice your child doing something inappropriate.
Examples of how you can respond empathically by identifying your child’s feelings and still maintain your limits:
- I can see you are feeling really angry with me, but the rule is no eating cookies before dinner.
- You are feeling very frustrated that your block tower fell over, but it is not okay to throw the blocks.
- You are feeling sad because you thought we were going to the park today, but tomorrow is the day for the park.
- You were so angry at Michelle that you hit her, but hitting is not okay; the rule is no hurting others.
Learn More About Feelings
When I was working with parents as a family therapist, I noticed that many parents did not have a good feelings vocabulary themselves. Usually, parents would know the basic primary feelings that came up in their children, such as happy, sad, angry and scared, but were stuck when they tried to identify and describe other feelings.
This is common for many adults. Many of us are unaware of the wide variety of more complex feelings that come up for both adults and children on a regular basis. There are many, many feeling words that describe our more complex feelings and emotional experiences, and it is important to become familiar with feelings other than just the very basic ones for optimal emotional health not only for ourselves, but also for our children.
In my clinical counselling training program, I found the best way to learn about feelings was to categorize the different feelings, first of all as either comfortable or uncomfortable and then into other somewhat related groups, instead of just lumping all feelings into a hodge-podge of feeling words. I also found, after many years of working with children, that there were a number of feelings, both basic and complex, that were important for both adults and children to become familiar with as a foundation for developing a good feelings vocabulary.
Important Feelings for Children
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about the importance of feelings in parent-child play, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play, for guidelines. These guidelines will help make playtime easier and more enjoyable for you and your child. My book is unique in that it will provide you with a framework for engaging in parent-child play that can be applied to any play activity.
Also, you may want to subscribe to my email list (see below) to be the first to know when I post new Blogs, usually every month.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2021.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
You can contact me at: kathy@pacificspiritplay.com