by Kathy Eugster, MA
February 17, 2025
Do you feel like you have to teach your child all the time, even during playtime? Does it interfere with your enjoyment of playtime? In other words, are you letting the expectations of others regarding your child’s development get in the way of enjoying playtime with your child?
Parents are often provided with lists of developmental milestones for their children. Children reach milestones in how they speak, act, move, learn, and play. For example, parents are told that:
- around three years old, most children may start to match three to five objects of the same color or be able to string items together such as large beads
- around four years old, most children may be able to catch a large ball most of the time or pretend to be someone or something else during play
- around five years old, most children may be able to count to ten or tell a made-up story with at least two events, such as a cat was stuck in a tree and a superhero rescued it
However, a parent’s love for their child can lead to anxiety, especially in our increasingly individualized, competitive world. Is my child meeting developmental goals? Are they keeping up? Where do they sit on all of those percentile rankings? Are they ahead or behind in walking, talking, or reading? Parents are bombarded by expectations about their child’s development.
Although knowing the average age ranges during which various skills emerge can be helpful, it can also be anxiety provoking for parents. It’s very difficult to avoid comparing your child to what you think your child should be doing according to lists of skills that typically occur at certain ages.
The danger with this is that you may find your playtimes are turning exclusively into teaching times, which can result in increasing anxiety levels for both you and your child. Your child may begin to feel pressure from you to master skills and will sense your worry and disappointment, maybe feeling like they are not good enough.
Managing those expectations about your child’s development is critical in developing healthy play habits with your child. Anxiety around being a good parent can undermine the power of play. Keeping up with the kids next door can lead to parents being too directive in play – stack these blocks, do it this way, don’t knock them over. Having faith that play for the sake of play is beneficial can be undermined by these parental anxieties.
Compare Your Child to Their Own Development
To lessen parental anxiety, professionals recommend that parents measure their child’s progress against their child’s own development as opposed to another child’s development. This means, instead of comparing your child’s skills and abilities to another child’s or to lists of developmental milestones, compare your child’s development this month to where their development was last month or in previous months.
Child-Directed Playtime is Beneficial
In addition, engaging in child-directed playtime can lessen anxiety for both child and parent. With this style of play, you are letting your child make their own choices and decisions as long as things stay safe and nondestructive, and you will follow their lead as to how the play unfolds. There is no pressure on parents to get their child to do something or master some task. There is no pressure on children to complete a task or master a skill that their parent is directing them to do. The parent’s job is to provide their full attention to their child and to accept their child’s choices and decisions in how to do something, even if it is not the way the parent would choose.
There are many benefits of child-directed playtime even if you are not directly teaching your child a specific skill. You are allowing your child more autonomy, thereby increasing your child’s independence skills. In addition, you are providing your child with an environment of acceptance. This is important for the development of your child’s self-identify and ultimately self-esteem. It also stokes creativity, innovation, and fun – all transferable skills that build a strong foundation for the future.
In a nutshell, here is how to engage with your child in child-directed playtime:
- Let your child choose what to do and how to do it
- Don’t make suggestions to or correct your child
- Follow your child’s directions
- Describe objectively what your child is doing
- Identify feelings that come up in the play
- Paraphrase what your child tells you
- Encourage your child’s efforts and strengths
- Limit unsafe or destructive behaviors
Professional Advice is Still Important
Of course, discussing with your child’s doctor any concerns about their development is important. There is a wide range of typical development, and speaking with your child’s doctor can be reassuring and will help you determine if there is anything to be concerned about. Feel free to ask questions and get a second opinion until you feel satisfied.
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child or caregiver-child play, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2025.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net