Kathy Eugster
January 5, 2024
I’ve been excited to offer my book for sale since October 2023 and I am happy to say that I’ve had lots of interest in the book! You can find details about my book, Play Skills for Parents, here.
What I want to do in this Blog is emphasize some of the basic points I make in my book for those who don’t have my book, and to help those who do have my book get the most out of it.
As those of you who have the book know, I teach parents about two separate roles they can take on when playing with their children. One role is a Directive Role, where parents structure the playtime to meet the needs of their child. The other role is a Nondirective Role, where parents let their child lead and structure the playtime. For more information, please see the following Blog, Jumping In or Backing Off? Directive and Nondirective Parent Roles in Playtime.
To get into either of these roles, in the book I teach several basic skills that parents can use in playtime. One of the most basic and fundamental of these skills is the Describing Skill, and this is what I want to focus on in this Blog.
The Describing Skill
This is the first skill I outline in my book and it is very important! You can use the Describing Skill in playtime or outside of playtime in real-world situations, basically to describe anything your child is doing, as long as whatever they are doing is safe and nondestructive. There are a number of reasons why you would want to describe what your child is doing and I have listed a few of these reasons as follows:
What is the purpose of the Describing Skill?
- To show to your child you are paying close attention and are interested in what they are doing
- To let your child know they are important to you
- To provide an environment of acceptance to your child so your child can feel free to play and explore
- To support the development of your child’s sense of self
- To support your child with language development
The above benefits of using the Describing Skill are so very important for your child to experience. And you can provide your child with these benefits by merely describing your child’s actions out loud. This is such a simple and easy skill to use!
Key points for using the Describing Skill
To use the Describing Skill, watch your child and describe your child’s behaviors, actions, and play activities out loud using neutral, non-judgmental statements called Describing Statements.
Examples:
- Child is putting a plush cat on a pillow: “Now you’re putting the mommy cat on top of the pillow.”
- Child is fitting a Lego block into a particular spot: “You’re putting that blue Lego block in that spot right there.”
- Child is climbing up the ladder on the playground slide: “I see you are climbing fast up the ladder.”
- Child is showing you a picture: “You drew a purple flower right in the middle of the page.”
- Child is setting up their dinosaurs in a line on the floor: “Looks like you’re lining up all your dinosaurs one behind the other.”
Notice that each one of the above statements contains the word “you” to indicate your child.
You can also make Describing Statements without using the word “you” by merely describing the action, for example:
- Child is making two cars race on the floor: “Those cars are racing.”
- Child is balancing the superhero figure on the edge of the table: “That guy is close to the edge.”
- Child is building a wall with Duplo blocks: “That wall is getting pretty high now.”
Be brief and concise in your description. Use as few words as possible.
Describe only what you objectively notice; no need to try to interpret what your child is doing.
Do not ask any questions to your child.
Do not make any suggestions or tell your child what to do (unless you notice unsafe or destructive behavior).
Do not praise or correct your child.
Here are a few things to think about:
Consider your tone of voice when making a Describing Statement, which is a statement and is not to be confused with a question. To differentiate between a statement and a question:
- With a question, your voice pitch generally rises at the end of the question. A statement could be interpreted as a question if the statement is made with your voice rising in pitch at the end, which is what we don’t want to happen. If your voice goes up at the end of a statement, it sounds like you are unsure of what you are saying, questioning, and are looking for clarification.
- When making a statement, to ensure it does not sound like a question, your voice pitch should stay the same or go down at the end of the statement, so that you sound confident and sure of what you are saying.
When parents first start using this skill, children will often notice and say something like, “Mom, why are you talking funny?” or “Daddy, don’t talk like that!” The best reply is something like, “I’m interested in what you are doing.” or “I’m curious to see what’s happening here.” You can then space out your Describing Statements a bit so they are not one right after another. Children get used to parents using the Describing Skill quite quickly.
Try to see how many Describing Statements you can make in a row without asking a question, making any suggestions, or giving praise to your child. Here’s an example of what it might look like:
- Child is setting up their dinosaurs in a line on the floor: “Looks like you’re lining up all your dinosaurs one behind the other.”
- Child moves the first dinosaur to the end of the line: “Now you’re moving that dinosaur to the end of the line.”
- Child puts one of the dinosaurs into a box: “That dinosaur goes in there.”
- Child puts one of the dinosaurs under the pillow: “You’re putting the orange dinosaur under the pillow.”
- Child moves one of the dinosaurs quickly away from the others: “Oh, and now that blue dinosaur is running away from the others.”
This is important!
Do not use this skill if your child is doing something unsafe or destructive. In this case, you would stop the behavior by setting limits for the inappropriate behavior. Please see my Blog, Setting Limits in Playtime for more information on how to set limits for inappropriate behavior.
Something you can do:
You can practice using the Describing Skill almost any time throughout the day. Watch your child and use the Describing Skill to make Describing Statements to your child. Describe what you see neutrally and objectively without trying to interpret or question what is happening.
- How many Describing Statements in a row did you make without asking questions or suggesting something to your child?
- How did you feel using only Describing Statements?
- How did your child react?
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child play, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play, for guidelines. This book contains more important tips and examples of using the Describing Skill and will also teach you about the eight other skills I have identified that will help make playtime easier and more enjoyable for you and your child. My book is unique in that it will provide you with a framework for engaging in parent-child play that can be applied to any play activity.
Also, you may want to subscribe to my email list (see below) to be the first to know when I post new Blogs, usually every month.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2024.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net