By Kathy Eugster, MA
What happens in child-directed play when my child wants to do something unsafe or destructive?
Please go to my Blog post, 6 Key Concepts for Child-Directed Play to see how beneficial child-directed play is for you and your child and to get some basic guidelines on how to play together in a child-directed way. For comprehensive guidelines on child-directed play, I am offering an eBook, Play Skills for Parents.
As I mentioned in an earlier Blog on Troubleshooting Child-Directed Play, when parents begin to play with their children in a child-directed way, they may have some initial questions and concerns with this way of playing. Let me just say again, this is a very normal! A common question that parents often have when they begin to play with their children in a child-directed manner is, “What happens if my child wants to do something unsafe or destructive?” Let’s have a closer look at this common question.
In child-directed play, parents are encouraged to take on a nondirective role. This means parents will refrain from telling their children what to do or not do and will allow then to make their own choices and decisions. Parents will also follow their children’s directions and allow their children to take the lead in the play session.
By doing this, parents will encourage independence and the development of positive self-esteem in their children. If children are always told what to do and how to do it, they may never gain a sense of autonomy. If they are never allowed to make their own choices and decisions, they may never develop a positive sense of self.
In addition, parents’ acceptance of children’s decisions and choices will foster a positive connection between parent and child. Children love it when their ideas are accepted by their parents! And this acceptance and confirmation is hugely important for healthy emotional development in children.
So, can I allow my child to do anything in child-directed play?
The answer is no; you cannot let your child engage in unsafe or destructive behaviors during child-directed play.
In child-directed play, one of the basic principles is to provide children with opportunities for freely making their own choices and decisions. At the same time, the play must remain safe and non-destructive. In child-directed play, there are definitely limits on unsafe and destructive behaviors, but within those limits, there are lots of opportunities for children to make their own choices and decisions that can be accepted by their parents.
As I stated above, you will take on a nondirective role in general during child-directed play. However, whenever you notice your child is about to engage, or already is engaged, in unsafe or destructive behaviors, you will temporarily switch out of a nondirective role and into a directive role by setting appropriate limits. During child-directed play, unsafe and destructive behaviors by the child are not allowed and it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that the playtime stays safe.
Why should I set limits?
Setting limits for children is important not only for their physical safety, but also for their healthy emotional development. Limits provide a sense of security to children. Children also learn to manage feelings of frustration and disappointment that may come up when limits are set. Finally, limit-setting will help children learn self-control and to take responsibility for their behavior.
Setting limits is important in all styles of parent-child play!
Setting limits for children is important for all types of parent-child play, in both child-directed and parent-directed styles of play.
How do I set limits on my child’s unsafe and destructive behaviors?
There are numerous ways to set limits with children. Over the many years I worked with children and parents as a child and family therapist, I was drawn to certain approaches for setting limits with children. Over time, I developed a procedure for limit-setting and called it the Limit-Setting Skill. I outline the Limit-Setting Skill in detail in my eBook, Play Skills for Parents.
Because limit-setting is so important in both child-directed and parent-directed play, in this Blog I want to provide you with some general guidelines on my approach to setting limits with children, or in other words, the Limit-Setting Skill.
The Limit-Setting Skill
When you notice your child is about to engage, or has already engaged, in unsafe or destructive behaviors, use the following steps to prevent or stop this behavior:
- Step 1: Setting the Limit
- Step 2: Providing a Warning of a Consequence:
- Step 3: Enforcing the Consequence
Step 1: Setting the Limit
In Step 1 you will communicate to your child what the inappropriate behavior is that needs to be limited.
- Your child starts to draw on her face with felt pens. “Uh, oh. Your face is not for drawing on.”
- Your child throws a hard toy. “No throwing that toy.”
- Your child hits you in frustration. “Ouch! Hitting is not okay.”
- Your child hits you too hard during pretend play. “Whoa! That’s too hard! Pretend play only!”
- Your child is playing with a toy very roughly so that it may break. “No stomping on the toys.”
- Your child starts to climb onto the furniture. “Stop! You may not climb on the furniture.”
In addition to identifying the inappropriate behavior, there two other helpful things you can do to supplement this step.
Re-direct your child to or identify the appropriate behavior.
- Your child starts to draw on her face with felt pens. “No drawing on your face. The paper is for drawing on.”
- Your child throws a hard toy. “No throwing that hard toy. You can throw this (soft foam ball) instead.”
- Your child hits you in frustration. “Ouch! Hitting is not okay. Use your words instead to tell me how mad you are. Or you could hit this pillow.”
- Your child hits you too hard during pretend play. “That’s too hard! Pretend play only! Instead of hitting me with the sword, you can tap me gently with it.”
- Your child is playing with a toy very roughly so that it may break. “Stop! No stomping on those toys. They might break. If you want to stomp on something, stomp on this pillow.”
- Your child starts to climb onto the furniture. “You may not climb on the furniture. You can go get the stool or ask me to reach the toy on top for you.”
Identify your child’s feelings or desires.
- Your child starts to draw on her face with felt pens. “You really want to draw with the felt pens on your face, but your face is not for drawing on.”
- Your child throws a hard toy. “You’re feeling pretty frustrated right now, but no throwing that hard toy.”
- Your child hits you in frustration. “Ouch! Looks like you’re feeling really angry but hitting is not okay.”
- Your child hits you too hard during pretend play. “Ouch, you’re having lots of fun and feeling very playful but that’s too hard! Pretend play only!”
- Your child is playing with a toy very roughly so that it may break. “Stop! I can see you want to crush those toys by stomping on them, but that’s not okay to crush them.”
- Your child starts to climb onto the furniture. “You really want to get that toy that’s on top of the drawers, but you may not climb on the drawers.”
Repeating Step 1
You can keep repeating Step 1 as many times as you want before you decide to move on to Step 2. Repeating Step 1 is generally a good choice initially because it supports your child in understanding what the inappropriate behavior is as well as in learning to take responsibility for choosing appropriate behaviors. However, if your child keeps repeating the inappropriate behavior, then you will move on to Step 2.
Step 2: Providing a Warning of a Consequence
Step 2 involves giving your child a warning of a possible consequence that will be carried out (in Step 3) if he or she does not respect the limit you are communicating to him or her and continues with the inappropriate behavior after the warning has been given.
During playtime with your child, there are generally three kinds of consequences you could consider:
- You could take away and put out of your child’s reach a toy or item that is being misused.
- You could end an activity that you and your child are engaged in and that has become problematic for your child.
- You could stop engaging altogether in the playtime with your child.
Here are some examples of what you could say in Step 2 after you have used Step 1:
- Your child continues to draw on her face with felt pens. “Remember I told you that your face is not for drawing on. If you choose to keep drawing on your face, I will need to put the pens away for today.”
- Your child keeps throwing the hard toy. “Remember I told you that you could not throw that hard toy. If you decide to keep throwing that toy, I will put it away for today.”
- Your child keeps hitting you in frustration. “Remember I told you that you cannot hit me. If you choose to hit me again, we will end our playtime.”
- Your child keeps hitting you too hard during pretend play. “Remember I told you that you must be gentle and cannot hit me hard with the sword. If you choose to hit me hard with the sword again, we will end this game.”
- Your child continues playing with a toy very roughly so that it may break. “Remember I told you that you needed to play more gently with those toys. If you decide to keep playing hard and stomping on them, I will need to take them away for now.”
- Your child keeps climbing onto the furniture. “Remember I told you not to climb on the drawers. If you choose to climb on the drawers again, we will need to end our playtime.”
Important Point: Do not repeat Step 2!
Step 3: Enforcing the Consequence
Step 3 is enforcing the consequence that your child was warned about in Step 2. Step 3 happens only after you have used Step 2 and only if your child remains non-compliant and continues to engage in the inappropriate behavior. After you have used Step 2 and have given the warning of the consequence, you MUST carry out Step 3 immediately without any negotiation if the inappropriate behavior happens again.
Here are some examples of what Step 3 would look like after you have used Step 2:
- Your child continues to draw on her face with felt pens. “Remember I told you that your face is not for drawing on and if you chose to keep drawing on your face, I would put the pens away for today. Since you chose to keep drawing on your face, I will put the pens away now.” You would then put the pens out of your child’s reach for the rest of the day.
- Your child keeps throwing the hard toy. “Remember I told you that you could not throw that hard toy in the house and if you decided to keep throwing it, I would put it away for today. Since you decided to keep on throwing that hard toy, I will need to put that toy away now.” You would then put the toy out of your child’s reach for the rest of the day.
- Your child keeps hitting you in frustration. “Remember I told you that you cannot hit me and if you hit me again, we would end our playtime. Since you chose to hit me again, we need to end our playtime now.” You would stop engaging in playtime with your child.
- Your child keeps hitting you too hard during pretend play. “Remember I told you that you must be gentle and if you choose to hit me hard with the sword again, we would end this game. Since you hit me hard, we will need to end our sword game now.” You would end the sword play game.
- Your child continues playing with some toys very roughly so that they may break. “Remember I told you that you needed to play more gently with those toys and if you kept playing hard with them, I would take them away. Since you decided to keep playing very hard with those toys, I need to take them away now.” You would put the toys away for a period of time.
- Your child keeps climbing onto the furniture. “Remember I told you not to climb on the drawers and if you chose to climb on the drawers again, we would need to end our playtime. Since you kept climbing on the drawers, we have to end our playtime now.” You would stop engaging in play with your child.
If you do have to carry out Step 3, be prepared for resistance from your child in the form of crying, screaming, yelling, rude comments, etc. This is normal!
It is generally best to not engage any further with your child at this point about the broken limit, other than ensuring the consequence is carried out and things remain safe. This is a good time to ignore whining, complaints, crying, rude language, etc. You can re-direct your child to a different activity that would distract him or her from the difficult experience of the consequence being enforced by you! Additionally, later in the day or even the next day, after your child has calmed down, you could then discuss the reasoning behind the limit that had been broken.
You might be interested in these additional points as well:
The importance of having a safe and child-friendly play environment.
As you can imagine, the more child-friendly your play environment, the more freedom you will be able to give to your child to make choices and decisions on what to do, and the less time you will spend having to set limits on unsafe or destructive behaviors. Playtime is a time for positive feelings and for having fun and enjoying each others’ company. In child-directed play, you are not teaching your child a skill, or correcting what your child is doing. You want to be mainly accepting of your child’s choices, even if you yourself would make different choices.
Minimal limits during child-directed play.
In child-directed play, you ideally want to have minimal limits for the playtime in order to generate a positive environment that allows for your child to connect emotionally with you. You are aiming for lots of positive interactions between you and your child during child-directed play. By doing this, you can imagine you are building up your child’s emotional bank account. Then when you set limits for your child, whether during playtime or in real life, you can feel comfortable because, even though you are withdrawing from your child’s emotional bank account during those times you set limits, you can always build up this bank account with more positive interactions in playtime.
Being confident and firm, but also calm and kind.
Stay calm, slow down, and take some deep breaths when you are about to set a limit for your child. I know from experience not only as a play therapist, but also as a parent, that setting limits can be very difficult and can bring up many feelings for you! Even though you may be feeling anxious, frustrated, unsure, overwhelmed, etc. on the inside, try to project a firm but calm tone of voice and confident but kind body language on the outside.
What can you do next?
Think ahead about how you will use the above 3-Step Limit-Setting procedure when you are playing with your child:
- What unsafe or destructive behaviors will you be watching for during playtime?
- How will you word Step 1? What will you say to your child about the inappropriate behavior, i.e., what will you say to set the limit?
- Will you identify or re-direct your child to appropriate behaviors?
- Will you acknowledge your child’s feelings and desires as you set the limit?
- How many times will you repeat Step 1, if at all?
- What will you say in Steps 2 and 3 if your child keeps breaking the limits set in Step 1?
Use the 3-Step Limit-Setting procedure in play times with your child:
- How often are you using Step 1? Steps 2 and 3?
- How does your child react from you using Steps 2 and 3? How are you handling his or her reactions?
- Are you using Steps 2 and 3 less and less over time?
- Are you using this 3-Step Limit-Setting procedure outside of play times?
Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2021.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: kathy@pacificspiritplay.com