by Kathy Eugster
March 8, 2023
What is self-regulation? Self-regulation, or emotional regulation, is a hugely important skill for children to learn and develop (adults too!) and it means understanding and managing your behaviors and reactions to strong feelings. Self-regulation is necessary for learning and getting along with others. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in expectations, and to handle frustration without an outburst.
The skills of self-regulation develop normally in children from birth when they are provided with nurturing, sensitive, and responsive care-giving. Most children progress normally and gradually learn to regulate their emotions and behaviors. However, some children may be behind in developing the skills of self-regulation due to individual differences in brain structure and function or deficits in their environments.
Self-regulation is mediated by the brain and nervous system so it is important for parents to have some understanding of brain development in order to interact with children in ways that encourage self-regulation development.
What do the brain and nervous system have to do with self-regulation?
Since the brain is the organ that oversees all emotional, cognitive, behavioral, social, motor, and physiological functioning, research in neuroscience has been very helpful in informing us on ways to ensure healthy brain and nervous system development in children, which is so important for self-regulation.
Different brain areas develop at different times throughout childhood. During brain development, the brain organizes from bottom to top, with the lower parts of the brain (those that control simple regulatory functions) developing first, and the higher parts of the brain in the cortical region (those that control language and abstract thinking) maturing much later in life. In order for the higher parts of the brain to develop, the lower regions of the brain must first be fully developed.
What seems to be emerging from the latest developments in neuroscience is that activities that are helpful for development of the lower parts of the brain, which in turn are very important for the development of self-regulation skills, include activities that have sensory, rhythmic, or movement components. Parent-child play is one of the best ways parents can provide these activities to children. Please see my Blogs on Child-Directed Playtime and Parent-Directed Playtime.
Because we are social creatures, for the development of the mid levels of the brain, which are also important for the development of self-regulation skills, relational-related activities are very helpful. This means that children need to have positive experiences with others that include acceptance, understanding, compassion, empathy, and playfulness. Positive relational interactions create positive neuroendocrine and neurophysiological states that promote healthy brain development in children. Again, play activities between parent and child are excellent ways to provide children with these important experiences.
The final focus of brain development would be in the higher brain (the cortical region) where activities that involve language, reasoning, and insight would be utilized. But, if the lower and mid parts of the brain have not been fully developed to support self-regulation skills, activities geared towards the higher parts of the brain may be ineffective or unhelpful.
What role do parents play in helping children learn self-regulation skills?
As a parent, you play a huge role in helping your child learn to self-regulate. According to researchers from the US Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, in a brief provided in 2017 (Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation Brief #2017-80), there are three broad categories of support that parents can provide to children that will help them develop foundational self-regulatory skills:
- providing a nurturing relationship
- structuring a safe environment
- teaching self-regulation skills
Build a positive and nurturing relationship with your child.
To support the development of self-regulation skills, parents should provide positive interactive experiences to their children. Responding sensitively to your child’s needs and wants will help to build and strengthen your relationship with your child, which is necessary for the development self-regulation skills. Your child needs to know that she can reach out to you for help and comfort when needed. Having a strong and positive relationship with their parent will help to protect children against problems with emotional dysregulation. And here’s something good to know: parent-child play is one of the best ways to strengthen the parent-child relationship!
Structure a safe and secure environment for your child.
Another way to support your child’s self-regulation skills is to create an environment that is physically and emotionally safe for your child. This environment would be one that makes self-regulation manageable for your child. Consistent, predictable routines, expectations, limits, and consequences promote a sense of security by providing clear goals for behavioral regulation. A properly set-up play area is an ideal environment for children to develop self-regulation skills.
Teach self-regulation skills to your child.
Parents can successfully teach their children self-regulation skills through modeling, instruction, practicing, prompting, and positive reinforcement. The good news is that there are many playful ways to teach your child how to self-regulate. Especially important skills to teach your child are relaxation, breathing, visualization, and mindfulness skills.
Modeling self-regulation skills can be very powerful. For example, when your child starts to get emotionally aroused, you can model more regulated behaviors by:
- slowing your movements down
- using a softer, quieter voice
- slowing your rate of speech
- showing a gentle, soft facial expression
- taking some slow, deep breaths
What about a parent’s capacity for self-regulation?
Parents can support their children’s self-regulation development when emotions escalate through an interactive process called “co-regulation.” The key point here is, in order to co-regulate successfully, parents need to focus on their own capacity for self-regulation by developing their own self-regulation skills.
Let’s have a closer look at what self-regulation means for you. In past, there has been some confusion over the terms “regulated” and “calm.” Being emotionally regulated does not necessarily mean feeling calm. You are likely not feeling calm when your child’s emotional level is increasing or behaviors are becoming unsafe or destructive. In fact, you are probably feeling the opposite of calm! This is when it is important for you to use your self-regulating skills to regulate your own nervous system in order to co-regulate your child’s nervous system. The problem is though, self-regulating your own nervous system during a stressful time with your child is not an easy task!
Researchers have found that mindfulness, breathing, movement, and replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk are four common ways that adults can learn to regulate their own nervous systems. Lisa Dion, LPC, RPT-S, play therapist and founder of the Synergetic Play Therapy Institute, puts it like this, “To regulate actually means to have a mindful moment of connection to yourself in the midst of the anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, fear or whatever activation is present in the moment.” I highly recommend you visit her site for many important tips for parents.
Being regulated means being mindful and aware of yourself, and acknowledging your increased emotional level. Pay attention to:
- how you are feeling
- what you are thinking
- what your initial reactions feel like (possibly yelling, physical or verbal aggression, shutting down, running away) and resisting reacting impulsively
Don’t try to pretend you are not feeling these increased emotions. Notice how your body feels. That moment of mindful awareness allows you to attach and connect to yourself, and this is what your child needs in order for him to learn to self-regulate. You can feel angry and be regulated at the same time. You can feel anxious and be regulated at the same time. You don’t have to feel calm to be regulated. But your nervous system needs to be regulated in order for your child’s nervous system to become regulated.
Breathing techniques and patterns have also been found to be useful in supporting mindfulness and self-regulation. Taking several deep breaths can be surprisingly helpful in regulating your own nervous system. Another way to achieve self-regulation is through movement, especially rhythmic movement. For example, shifting your weight slowly from side-to-side or tapping gently from side-to-side on your chest, arms, or knees has been found to regulate the nervous system. Identifying negative self-talk and replacing it with positive self-talk is also helpful for self-regulation.
When you are dysregulated emotionally, you may react in inappropriate ways, and feel remorseful later for acting that way. When you are regulated emotionally, you can resist the urge to react initially in not so helpful ways and choose to act in a way that would be helpful for your child. You are basically role-modeling self-regulation skills for your child.
Practice building your own coping strategies for emotional regulation. The end result is that when your child’s emotions escalate, you will be able to regulate your brain and nervous system to co-regulate your child’s emotional state.
In Summary:
- Self-regulation is an important skill for children to learn and develop and is necessary for learning and getting along with others.
- Self-regulation is mediated by the brain and nervous system.
- As a parent, you play a large role in helping your child learn to self-regulate.
- There are three broad categories of support that you can provide to your child that will help him develop foundational self-regulatory skills:
- providing a nurturing relationship
- structuring a safe environment
- teaching self-regulation skills
- You can support your child’s self-regulation when emotions escalate through an interactive process called co-regulation where you use your self-regulating skills to regulate your child’s nervous system.
- Mindfulness, breathing, movement, and replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk are four common ways that you can learn to regulate your own nervous system in order to co-regulate your child’s nervous system.
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child play, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play, for comprehensive guidelines. This book will help make playtime easier and more enjoyable for you and your child. My book is unique in that it will provide you with a framework for engaging in parent-child play that can be applied to any play activity.
Also, you may want to subscribe to my email list (see below) to be the first to know when I post new Blogs, usually every month.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2023.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net