by Kathy Eugster
July 14, 2022
After working with children and parents for many years as a child and play therapist, I developed guidelines for parents on ways they could play with their children at home in order to support their children’s healthy development as well as to strengthen the parent-child relationship. These guidelines are outlined in detail in my book available on this website entitled, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting with your child through play.
Basically, in these guidelines, I have identified nine parent “skills” to use during parent-child playtime. This article will give you some general ideas on how the skills I have identified for Child-Directed Playtime and Parent-Directed Playtime can be generalized and used in everyday situations outside of playtime.
Why use the playtime skills outside of playtime in everyday life situations?
The playtime skills I have identified in my book are similar to parenting skills that child development specialists have found to be necessary for a child’s healthy development. They are based on multicultural and universal principles of healthy human interactions, such as respect, empathy, and boundary-setting. The benefits of using these skills are extensive. Using these skills outside of playtime will result in increasing the beneficial effects of these skills.
Each of the nine playtime skills I have identified in my book has a positive impact on children’s development. Let’s look at how you can incorporate these skills into real life situations.
Describing Skill:
Watch your child and describe your child’s behaviors out loud using an objective and non-judgmental statement. (Note: do not do this if your child is doing something unsafe or destructive). By using this skill, you are providing your child with positive attention and letting him know you are interested in what he is doing.
Feelings Identification Skill:
Throughout the day, identify any feelings, preferences, or desires that you notice in your child using a neutral, non-judgmental statement. By using this skill, you are helping your child develop a feelings or emotional vocabulary.
Please see the following Blog, Identifying Feelings: Giving Your Child a Feelings or Emotional Vocabulary, for lots more information about feelings and emotions in your child.
Paraphrasing Skill:
When your child tells you something, verbally reflect, or paraphrase, what your child has told you. By using this skill, you are showing acceptance and understanding, which will encourage verbal reciprocity and open communication.
Encouragement Skill:
Provide encouragement to your child by focusing on his efforts, feelings, and strengths rather than using evaluative praise. By using the Encouragement Skill instead of evaluative praise, you are empowering your child and helping him to internalize his positive qualities.
Independence Skill:
When safe and appropriate, you can allow your child to make her own choices and decisions and refrain from making suggestions or correcting or directing her in any way (unless you need to limit unsafe or destructive behaviors). By using the Independence Skill, you are showing respect and acceptance of your child’s choices, allowing your child to freely explore the world and to develop a positive sense of self.
Following Directions Skill:
If your child asks you to do something specific, you CAN choose to do what your child is asking you to do. By using the Following Directions Skill, you are allowing your child to experience a sense of control. If your child is asking you to do something unsafe or destructive, you would not do what he has asked you to do, but rather you would re-direct him to an appropriate behavior.
Limit-Setting Skill:
When you notice your child is engaging in, or is about to engage in, unsafe or destructive behaviors, set limits to stop these behaviors. When you use this skill, you are helping your child feel safe and secure.
Please see the following Blog, Setting Limits in Playtime, for comprehensive directions on how to appropriately set limits with your child outside of playtime as well.
Engagement Skill:
When you want to stimulate and maintain interactive engagement with your child, use this skill to encourage shared, positive interactions by increasing your emotional intensity and by playfully capturing your child’s interest. Using this skill will support children in being able to maintain attention and follow directions.
Regulating Skill:
When you notice your child is beginning to get over-aroused emotionally, use this skill to re-direct your child to a calmer activity. Don’t forget to regulate your own nervous system in order to “co-regulate” your child’s nervous system. Using this skill will help your child not only be more compliant, but will also help develop self-regulation skills.
What can you do next?
Try using each of the above playtime skills.
- Which skills are easiest for you?
- What is the most difficult skill for you to use?
- Which skill does your child like you using the best?
You May Want to Follow Up With This:
Please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play. This book provides more detailed information on all nine of the playtime skills, making not only playtime, but also other real-life situations, easier and more enjoyable for both you and your child.
Also, please sign up below to be notified when new blogs are posted, usually every month.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2022.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net