by Kathy Eugster
April 2, 2024
Parents may be unaware of an important concept that is fundamental in the field of play therapy. Play therapists know that there are two basic ways to interact with children: directive or nondirective. This is something I have explained elsewhere in the following Blog, Jumping In or Backing Off? Directive and Nondirective Parent Roles in Playtime, but because it is such an important concept, I want to review it in this article.
Parent directiveness is a concept that can be applied to parent-child playtime. I like to visualize directiveness as the two sides of a coin. On one side of the coin parents would be in a directive role and on the other side of the coin parents would be in a nondirective role. These roles are mutually exclusive, meaning you can put yourself in one role or the other, but not both at the same time.
Now let’s review what being in a directive or nondirective role in playtime means. When you interact with your child in a directive way, or in other words, when you put yourself into a directive role, you will be directing your child on what and how to play by guiding your child in some way. I like to call this style of play Parent-Directed Playtime. When you interact with your child in a nondirective way, or in other words when you put yourself into a nondirective role, you are giving your child opportunities during playtime to make their own choices and decisions that you will accept. You are not guiding or directing your child in any way other than to keep the play safe and nondestructive. I like to call this style of play Child-Directed Playtime.
To learn more about how to engage in Parent-Directed Playtime, please go to the following Blog, Parent-Directed Playtime: Different Than Child-Directed Playtime But Just as Important!
To learn more about how to engage in Child-Directed Playtime, please go to the following Blog, 6 Key Concepts for Child-Directed Play with Your 3-10 Year-old Child
When you are in a directive role, you are more demanding of your child than when you are in a nondirective role. In a directive role you are providing your child with structure and guidance during the playtime. Being in a directive role allows parents to address specific goals or teach specific skills in order to support their children. In this role, parents may introduce specific toys, games, or activities. For example, in a directive role, a parent may structure an active game to encourage physical activity.
In a nondirective role parents are less demanding of their children and need to let go of some degree of control, which can be difficult! In a nondirective role, your main focus is on understanding and accepting your child rather than guiding or teaching your child directly. You are creating a supportive environment where your child is free to explore. In a nondirective role, you are accepting your child’s choices and decisions and are not demanding anything of your child other than not allowing any unsafe or destructive behaviors.
Parents are not passive or uninvolved during playtime when they are in a nondirective role. The parent acts as a facilitator, not a director, of the play, providing empathy and acceptance without imposing any rules or agendas. When parents put themselves in a nondirective role, it allows children to express themselves freely and encourages creativity and independence. It also empowers children to make their own choices and decisions and provides them with a sense of control, which is important since children’s lives are very controlled in many other aspects.
There is a different degree of containment in the playtime depending on whether parents are in a directive or a nondirective role. In a directive role, parents will structure the play in some way, so there is a greater degree of containment in the playtime than when parents are in a nondirective role. Although parents will not allow any unsafe or destructive behaviors when in a nondirective role, parents will allow their children much more freedom to decide what to do and how to do it, providing a much lower level of containment in the play.
Examples of being in directive and nondirective roles
Here are some examples of when a parent is in either a directive or a nondirective role to help you distinguish between the two styles of interacting with children.
Child doesn’t know what to do, appears undecided, and maybe says: “What can we do?”
- Parent in Directive Role: “Let’s build a fort with these cushions.” (Parent is directing child by suggesting a play activity together, which will encourage interactive play and strengthen the parent-child relationship.)
- Parent in Nondirective Role: “You can choose what we can do together.” (Parent is giving control and decision-making to child, which will support self-responsibility and independence skills.)
Child says: “I want to play ball.”
- Parent in Directive Role: “What are you going to do with that ball?” (Parent is directing child to think, which will support child’s cognitive and creative thinking skills.)
- Parent in Nondirective Role: “You’ve decided to play with that ball today.” (Parent is providing acceptance of child’s choice, which will support development of child’s self-identity and self-esteem.)
Child says: “What’s this for?” as he manipulates and examines several pieces of a toy.
- Parent in Directive Role: “This piece fits into here.” (Parent is guiding and teaching child.)
- Parent in Nondirective Role: “You are really interested in how that toy works.” (Parent is acknowledging and accepting child’s experience of exploring a toy and allowing child time to think, which will strengthen the parent-child relationship and support child’s self-esteem and problem-solving skills.)
Child starts to get angry when something doesn’t go her way and screams: “This doesn’t work!”
- Parent in Directive Role: “Here, take a deep breath and let me show you where this piece goes.” (Parent is directing child to calm and also guiding child with information, which will regulate child’s nervous system and prevent child getting out of control.)
- Parent in Nondirective Role: “I can see you are getting angry and you’re telling me this is not working.” (Parent is identifying, acknowledging, and accepting child’s angry feeling, which will strengthen the parent-child relationship and support child’s self-regulation skills.)
Child throws a baby stuffed animal on the floor aggressively.
- Parent in Directive Role: “How do you think that baby kitten is feeling now?” (Parent is directing child by asking a question, which will promote thinking.)
- Parent in Nondirective Role: “Now the kitten is on the floor.” (Parent is acknowledging and accepting child’s aggression since the play remains safe and nondestructive, which will help child understand and manage aggressive feelings.)
What role should I choose?
How do you choose whether to put yourself in a directive role or a nondirective role in playtime with your child since neither style is better? Sometimes being in a directive role works better and is more helpful for your child and at other times being in a nondirective role works better and is more helpful.
There are times when a child needs to choose and direct their activities and for their parent to accept these choices, and times when a child needs their parent to direct and structure the play activities. It depends on what your child’s unique needs are at a particular moment. Children have diverse needs that change over time and do better when their parents can be flexible and adaptable with different ways of interacting with them.
It often takes trial and error to determine if it is best to interact in a directive or nondirective manner with your child at that particular moment in time. You can switch from being in a directive role to being in a nondirective role, and vice versa. I explain more about switching between roles in this Blog, Advanced Parent-Child Playtime: Switching Between Child-Directed Play and Parent-Directed Play. Just keep in mind that it is important not to be too entrenched in one particular way of interacting with your child.
Here’s something interesting:
I like to think that parental directiveness fits in with the parenting concepts of demandingness and responsiveness developed by child development researchers Diana Baumrind, Eleanor Maccoby, and John A. Martin in the 1970s and 80s. Demandingness can be measured as the degree to which a parent makes demands or gives directions for what a child does. Very demanding parents make many demands on their child while undemanding parents make few or no demands on their children. Responsiveness can be measured as the degree to which a parent responds to a child in an accepting manner. Overly responsive parents will respond very frequently, whereas unresponsive parents will respond infrequently or even not at all. The best outcomes for children have been found to occur when parents are both demanding and responsive. I like to conceptualize the directive role for parents in playtime as fitting in roughly with the concept of demandingness, and the nondirective role for parents in playtime as fitting in roughly with the concept of responsiveness. Both are important for children’s healthy development.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both directive and nondirective roles for parents are valuable in playtime, offering different avenues for healthy growth and development for children and for strengthening the parent-child relationship. Whether guiding your child through a structured play activity or providing a supportive and accepting environment for self-expression, the ultimate goal remains the same: to promote the well-being of your child.
The important thing here is to know that there are two different roles you can put yourself into during playtime, either directive or nondirective, and it is your choice to decide what role works best for your goals and your child’s needs at a particular time. By understanding the differences between these two important parental roles, parents can effectively engage in the complexities of parent-child play.
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child play, and especially the directive and nondirective parental roles, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play, for comprehensive guidelines. This book will help make playtime easier and more enjoyable for you and your child. My book is unique in that it will provide you with a framework for engaging in parent-child play that can be applied to any play activity.
Also, you may want to subscribe to my email list (see below) to be the first to know when I post new Blogs, usually every month.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2024.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net