By Kathy Eugster, MA
January 30, 2025
We like to think that because children like to play, they will behave appropriately during playtime. But this is often not the case! It is not uncommon for children to exhibit inappropriate behaviors during playtime, especially with other children.
Here are some common behaviors that children engage in during playtime that parents may question and find challenging:
- Grabbing toys or other objects from others; refusal to share
- Being bossy or overly controlling
- Being uncooperative; not listening; not taking turns
- Outbursts when not getting their way
- Wild, out-of-control behavior
- Verbal aggression; using foul language or being disrespectful to others, for example, put downs/taunting/teasing/mocking
- Physical aggression; engaging in unsafe or destructive behaviors
What should parents do?
How do you want to use these challenging situations to support your child’s healthy development? Here are some ideas on how to effectively manage these difficult playtime behaviors.
Stay composed
Try to maintain a calm demeanor even if you are not feeling calm! Children often mirror their parent’s emotions and modeling self-regulation skills can be very powerful to help your child regulate their emotions. For example, when your child starts to get emotionally aroused, you can model more regulated behaviors by slowing your movements down and taking some slow, deep breaths yourself.
Please see the following blog for more information on helping your child develop self-regulation skills: Surprising Things You May Not Know About Self-Regulation!
Identify the root cause
Children generally find it difficult to tell adults directly what is bothering them. Understanding the underlying cause of the inappropriate behavior and what your child needs without them having to tell you directly will help you address the behavior constructively. What is your child trying to communicate with the inappropriate behavior? What does your child need?
- More structure, direction, or limits on behavior
- More autonomy and freedom to take responsibility for making their own choices
Set clear limits
Children thrive with consistent limits. During play, parents need to kindly, but consistently, set limits for inappropriate behaviors. Parents may need to be patient, but children will learn over time, when limits are repeated consistently, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.
Please see the following blog for more information on setting limits: Setting Limits in Playtime
Teach emotional expression
Children are not born knowing the words for all of their different feelings. Help your child learn to put words to their feelings by identifying, with a simple feeling word, whatever feelings come up for your child or in the toys your child is playing with. When your child has an emotional vocabulary, you can encourage your child to use their words to express how they feel and what they need.
Please see the following blog for more information on helping your child develop an emotional or feelings vocabulary: Mad, Sad, Glad, and More! Teaching Children About Feelings and Emotions
Model positive behavior
Children learn by observing you, so, role-modeling appropriate behaviors is important. For example, if a conflict comes up during play, you can model appropriate ways to handle conflict by saying something like, “I understand we both want this toy, but let’s find a way to share or take turns.”
Use play as a teaching tool
You can role-play scenarios where you and your child practice sharing, solving conflicts, or acting politely or assertively. When you take on a role, for example, as a helpful king or a wise bear, you will be teaching and modeling appropriate behaviors for your child in these play situations.
Please see the following blog for more information about using play as a teaching tool: Structured Imaginary Playtime: Communicating Ideas Through Play
Reinforce positive behaviors
It’s very easy to forget to reinforce children when they behave appropriately, so, notice when your child has behaved in an appropriate and positive manner and reinforce this behavior by saying something like, “I really like how you waited patiently for your turn. That was very kind.” Positive reinforcement will motivate your child to repeat the appropriate behavior.
Offer choices
Children feel empowered when they are offered choices. If they are acting out, you can offer simple options to redirect them to more appropriate behaviors, for example, “Would you like to play with the blocks or the cars now?” This gives them a sense of control and can help to de-escalate tensions.
Be flexible at times
When you and your child play together, especially just one-to-one, you can choose to be more flexible and less demanding in playtime compared to other times. You can treat playtime between you and your child as a special time where your child can see you in a slightly different way than during normal everyday life. Being less demanding in playtime does not diminish your teaching of appropriate behaviors at other times.
Of course, you would never ignore unsafe or destructive behaviors, but during playtime, you may choose to ignore your child’s minor inappropriate behaviors such as:
- being impolite, for example, forgetting to say “please” or “thank-you”
- changing the rules of a game to their advantage
- wanting to do things their way
- speaking or acting like a much younger child
Take breaks when necessary
If your child becomes overwhelmed or their behavior doesn’t improve, it may be time to take a break by calmly removing them from the play area and saying something like, “We’re going to take a few minutes to calm down/to feel better/to have a break.”
Sometimes you just have to “ride out the storm” and all you can do is to just quietly be with your child as they start to regulate their nervous system. When a child is in the middle of an emotional outburst, there is no point in trying to reason with them, because the emotional part of their brain has taken over and the thinking part of their brain is not available. Once your child is ready, they can return to the play and try again.
Reflect and discuss
After playtime, talk to your child about the inappropriate behavior. Discuss what happened using simple language to help your child understand. You can even do a bit of planning for what to do the next time they feel overwhelmed.
Be patient with the process
Changing behaviors takes time. Children are still learning to navigate their emotions and interactions. Also, be aware of what behaviors are age-appropriate. Children only acquire appropriate behaviors at specific developmental stages. For example, you would not expect a three-year-old to follow the rules of a complex board game.
Please see the following blog for more information on the different ways that children play at different developmental stages: Hmmm, Which Way to Play?
Finally
Inappropriate behavior during playtime is a natural part of growing up. As a parent, your role is to guide and teach your child how to navigate these situations constructively. With patience and consistency, you can help your child develop the skills they need to play and interact with others positively.
If you can approach these moments of misbehavior as opportunities instead of challenges, playtime can become a wonderful place not only for fun and connection, but also for positive growth and development.
You may want to consider this:
If you are interested in learning more about parent-child or caregiver-child play, please see my book, Play Skills for Parents: Connecting With Your Child Through Play.
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Copyright Kathy Eugster, MA, 2025.
Please feel free to pass on this article to anyone you think might find it useful.
Contact me at: keugster@telus.net